"Mixed Nuts" by Emily Osburne
July 3, 2011Sports and Family Magazine
Think about it....
One husband plays golf four times a week, and therefore qualifies as a Sports Nut, but another man constantly watches reruns of old football games on ESPN Classic. It's true that the wives of both men are confused by their husband's obsessive behavior; but these women have very different issues. So, I have created eight categories of Sports Nuts, and will try to address the needs of their wives in future columns.
Of course, every husband is unique, and will likely show characteristics of more than one of the Sports Nuts Categories listed below. Feel free to e-mail me if you'd like to share your husband's unique blend of the nuttiness. Also let me know if I've left out any important Sports Nut Categories...
College Nut (aka, Bama or Auburn Enthusiast) - If you have a room in your house dedicated to your husband's alma mater, he might be a College Nut. If he proudly displays a college flag at your house, but does not know how many stripes are on an American flag, your husband might be a College Nut. And it goes without saying that if your husband has ever poisoned the tree of a rival college's campus, he is not only a College Nut, but also a felon.
Single Sport Nut (aka, Football Fanatic)- If your spouse keeps a daily countdown until the next kick-off, pitch, or shot is taken in a single season, he might be a Single Sport Nut. If he purchased a special package through the cable company that costs more than your electric bill, he might be a Single Sport Nut. If he has ever rented a big screen TV because the four big screens in your house were not big enough for the BIG game, he might be a Single Sport Nut.
Single City Nut (for example, Atlanta Nut or New York Nut)- If you find yourself watching sports year round because your husband follows the baseball, basketball, football, and hockey teams in a certain city, then he is a single city nut. If he justifies watching games because the guys at work will be talking about it on Monday, he might be a Single City Nut.
Every Sport But One Nut - If your husband regularly uses the restroom during the hockey portion of Sports Center, he might love every sport but one. If he rolls his eyes when friends talk about the World Cup, he might be justifying his sports obsession by telling himself, "At least I don't watch soccer." If he has never attended a NASCAR race, he could be an Every Sport But One Nut.
Nascar Nut (No Explanation Needed) - If your husband has a framed picture of himself holding a turkey leg or funnel cake, he might be a Nascar Nut. If you plan family vacations around race dates, your spouse might be a Nascar Nut. And of course, if his heroes are all men whose only skill is turning left, he might be a Nascar Nut.
Fantasy League Nut (Aka, "That guy who got fired") - If your husband watches sports with a computer in his lap at all times, he might be a Fantasy League Nut. If he cries when a random player from a random team is taken out of the game, he might be a Fantasy League Nut. If he spends more time making trades than working on a normal business day, he might be a Fantasy League Nut.
League Nut (For Husbands who Play Sports even though They're Old) - If your husband travels thirty minutes or more to play flag football, he might be a League Nut. If he hires part-time employees based on their softball skill ability, he might be a League Nut. If his biggest dilemma this week is that his tennis match might interfere with church league basketball game, he might be a League Nut. If the trunk of his car is filled with golf clubs, softball bag, and racquetball shoes, he might be a League Nut.
Body Paint Nut - If your husband's main goal when attending sporting events is to see himself on the Jumbotron, he might be a body paint nut. If he orders paint through Websites that specialize in team colors, he could be a body paint nut. If he spends hours thinking of the perfect sign that incorporates the letters CBS, ESPN, or ABC, he could be a Body Paint Nut.
Emily Osburne is the author of Everyday Experts on Marriage. She is a writer and speaker on relationship issues and has been featured in publications like Focus on the Family, Chicken Soup for the Soul, Love is a Verb, Love is a Flame, and Guideposts. She and her husband, Clay, still laugh through life together after ten years of marriage and their recent adoption of Easton Osburne.